


trauma

by regrettably



Category: JJCC (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 16:40:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7395274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regrettably/pseuds/regrettably
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hadon learns an important lesson about jealousy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	trauma

**Author's Note:**

> warning for possibly unsettling themes

Hadon likes to think that he’s generally not a jealous person.

 

Sure, he has an envious streak.

 

It’s there when he’s on Instagram and sees people his age (or worse, younger) who are infinitely more famous than he is, it’s there when he bumps into some of the guys from his trainee days who make a considerably larger amount of money than he does while having vastly more personal freedom than him, it’s there on the rare occasions he gets to see his parents and they bring up how some of his old classmates are doing (hint: no matter what they're doing, they’re always more successful at it than he is).

 

Sometimes even tiny things get to him.

 

Every once in awhile he wishes he was at least as tall as Youngjin (mostly when Youngjin decides to rest his elbows on the top of Hadon’s head), at times he finds himself looking wistfully at Prince’s perfect skin, even just knowing that Eddy’s paycheques are larger than his grates on him a little bit.

 

But everybody can feel jealous from time to time, right?

 

He doesn’t think he’s any more petty than the next person, and when he really reflects on his life, he thinks he’s actually pretty happy.

 

Maybe he’s not famous in the least, maybe he’s still in crippling debt to the company with no way out for the foreseeable future, maybe the truest love he’s got in his life has to be kept a secret forever.

 

But he’s got a place to live, he’s got an interesting (if not stressful and often brutally unrewarding) job, and somehow he’s managed to find someone that definitely does love him.

 

And that should be enough.  He knows it should be enough.

 

But sometimes, when he sees Chanyul and Daehwan, it isn’t.

 

It’s not that he wants to be either of them.  He just sometimes wishes that him and Joonyoung could be more like them.

 

Because all of the biggest regrets in Hadon’s young life are over things he’s said to Joonyoung, things he’s yelled at Joonyoung, fights he’s been in with Joonyoung.

 

And Daehwan and Chanyul don’t fight.  They don’t argue, they don’t squabble, they don’t even really ever raise their voices at each other (except for sometimes when Daehwan’s tickling at Chanyul’s stomach and Chanyul’s doing that weird wheezy laugh that only Daehwan can produce).

 

It’s not like they’re the exact same person either though.

 

They disagree on lots of things.  

 

Daehwan loves animals, especially huge, noisy, fluffy, and above all, messy dogs (Hadon thinks it’s one of Daehwan’s best traits).  Chanyul has a bristling tolerance for animals, and that’s only when they aren’t digging up his friends of the botanical variety.  

 

Much to Youngjin’s delight, Daehwan is a huge nerd when it comes to anime.  Chanyul seems to like… not anime.  

 

Chanyul likes to keep his belongings nice and organized.  Everything has its place, and that place is far away from Joonyoung’s prying fingers (Chanyul has never been able to get used to the way Joonyoung rummages through everybody’s things).  Daehwan’s got a couple things that he keeps close to his heart (and his body) but beyond that he’s fine with flinging his clothing all over the living room.  He also can’t seem to keep track of what actually belongs to him, more than once Hadon’s seen him wearing Prince’s underwear (Hadon doesn’t like to think too hard about why he knows what Prince’s underwear specifically looks like).

 

They’re also definitely capable of getting upset.  

 

Daehwan’s actually rather bright, but he’s clumsy and easily agitated (especially because about half of their group has the same level of intelligence as a sack of dirt), to the point of becoming flushed and permanently pouty as he tries to defend himself when someone tells him he’s wrong about something (although unless it’s Joonyoung trying to correct him, he’s never wrong so it’s pretty easy for Hadon to understand why he gets so flustered).  

 

Pretty much everything and anything upsets Chanyul (including but not limited to: being touched, touching others, being looked at, being spoken to, having to speak), although he hardly ever expresses it verbally, instead choosing to grind his teeth together and dig his fingernails into his palms whenever Youngjin throws an unwelcome arm around his shoulders.

 

But they don’t get upset at each other.

 

When they come to a topic they don’t agree on (anime, clothing, anime, food, anime), when they don’t share the same opinion, they seem to find it interesting rather than something to fight about.  They’ll either spend hours in quiet discussion over things they don’t see the same way (Hadon only knows this because they’ve slept in the living room for ages and haven’t been able to have a completely private conversation since they moved in) or resolve whatever the matter was within seconds with quiet smiles and quick hand squeezes as reassurance that there are no harsh feelings.

 

And sometimes Hadon feels like he’d give almost anything to have that with Joonyoung.

 

He knows he can’t though.

 

Joonyoung’s… _touchy_ … (sensitive might be the better way to put it) at the best of times.  And Hadon knows this.  He knows this so well.

 

But even though he knows this, when he gets upset he does stupid things, he says stupid things, things that he knows will hurt Joonyoung.

 

And he doesn’t mean to say them.  He really doesn’t.

 

But sometimes it’s just really hard to be the youngest.  

 

Hadon thinks of himself as being a pretty relaxed, calm, controlled guy (he has to be in order to have not completely lost it during his eight years in this cramped house).  But sometimes, sometimes after Youngjin’s been his incredulously loud self all day and Eddy won’t stop hugging him/punching him/playfighting with him (even though Hadon’s made it clear that he isn’t interested) and Prince is invested in being his usual mopey self and complains to Hadon about things he can’t even begin to understand and he’s had to be quiet and deferent all day to the rest of the members it’s hard to be quiet and deferential to his boyfriend too.

 

Usually he’s fine with everything that Joonyoung is; a fabulous hurricane, a searing typhoon, an absolute whirlwind of sex and emotions and opinions and oddities.  

 

He knows he shouldn’t get mad.  He knows better than anyone that this is just how Joonyoung is, that he’s always offering unsolicited advice and telling people what to do and being dramatic, and normally Hadon loves him for all of those things too.  

 

But sometimes when he’s already fed up with everyone else he kind of loses it when Joonyoung nags at him to pick up his dirty laundry, or when Joonyoung pushes his dog San off the bed to make more room for himself (why can’t he just share with San, San was there first), or when he sits down at breakfast and Joonyoung takes one look at his outfit and says “Really?  You're going to wear _that_?”

 

And because Joonyoung is such a volatile person, when Hadon gets upset, Joonyoung gets upset right along with him.  Then getting upset leads to getting angry, which leads to getting furious, which leads to Hadon saying some devastatingly hurtful things just so he can finally have the satisfaction of getting the last word, because otherwise he never, ever gets the last word (or sometimes even _any_ word) in anything.  

 

This is what makes him jealous of Daehwan and Chanyul.  

 

They don’t do this.  They don’t yell at each other, they don’t scream at each other, they don’t say things so hurtful to each other that they’ll never be able to forget the absolutely heartbroken look the other party gave them when the unfortunate words left their mouths.  

 

Hadon realizes that most couples aren’t like this.  He’s seen enough dramas and reality shows that feature all sorts of inane arguments that people manage to get into, he remembers his parents fighting when he was little, hell, he lives with Prince and Eddy.  Those two are veritable kings of irrational anger, and the stuff they say to each other in the heat of the moment ranges from bizarre (once in a fit of rage Eddy yelled “...fuck you and your weird fucking ears!” at Henry, who in turn wasn’t seen without a hat covering his ears, even while he was sleeping, for the next few weeks) to downright brutal (Henry, conversely, had shouted something Hadon understood as “...I wish I’d never left home, I wish I never moved here, but most of all, I wish I’d never met you!” and Eddy sobbed under the covers of his bed for three straight days).

 

But just because other people fight doesn’t mean Hadon thinks it’s okay to be like other people.  The only other people he wants to be like are Daehwan and Chanyul.

 

After a disagreement he wants to be able to curl up in bed and hold Joonyoung tight in his arms, just like Daehwan holds Chanyul tight between his tattooed ones, not spend the night sleeping alone because Joonyoung’s in a huff and refuses to let him sleep in the same bed with him.

 

When Joonyoung complains about tripping over Hadon’s discarded pants, instead of making a cutting remark under his breath that Joonyoung somehow manages to hear, he could just pick the clothing up, just like Daehwan does whenever Yul stumbles over anything of his.  Well, Daehwan usually tries to pick the article of clothing up with his feet and then ends up falling and pulling Chanyul down into the dirty clothes with him, but Chanyul giggles and squeaks as Daehwan tries to press kisses to his nose (and Hadon would love to kiss a squirming, laughing Joonyoung in a pile of laundry just like that).

 

But most of all, he wishes that he’d never say anything to hurt Joonyoung.  Just like Daehwan and Chanyul never say anything awful to each other.

 

He wishes he’d never mentioned anything about Joonyoung’s age when Joonyoung was upset with him for forgetting his key and locking them out of the house late one night when they’d snuck out to a club together (it wasn’t like Joonyoung remembered his key either, but it really wasn’t necessary for Hadon to blame that on how old he is).  He’d be much happier if he hadn’t made his comment about Joonyoung’s jowls, it wasn’t fair to mention the way the lines around his mouth are starting to become sharply defined when Joonyoung was just griping at him for not cleaning all his hair out of the sink after he’d shaved.  Maybe sometimes he leaves dirty dishes lying around and Joonyoung gets mad at him for it, but that doesn’t mean Hadon needs to say anything snarky about how much makeup Joonyoung has scattered around their room to cover up how his skin is aging.

 

And he’d give pretty much anything to be able to take back everything he’s ever said that’s made Joonyoung cry.

 

It’s not like Joonyoung cries often.  It takes a lot to make the ice-cold eldest member’s eyes water, but Hadon always manages to say way too much with just a few words.  

 

Every single time Joonyoung cries because of him Hadon thinks it’s the worst thing he’s ever seen, the worst thing he’s ever heard, the worst thing he’s ever been a cause of.

 

That may be the thing he’s the most jealous of Daehwan and Chanyul for.

 

They’d never make each other cry.  They’d never say anything so terrible to each other that they’d they stare in wide-eyed shock, bottom lips trembling, like their whole world has come tumbling down just because of a few poorly chosen words.  They’d never look at each other like that, like Joonyoung looks at him before covering his face and locking himself in the bathroom.

 

But Hadon tries not to think about these things too much.  

 

Because Joonyoung always forgives him.  Sure, he gets upset.  Sure, he’ll pout for days.  But he always forgives Hadon in the end.  That’s how they’ve made it together for so long, arguments and misunderstandings and forgiveness.  There’s always love and sex and happiness in the end, whether Hadon thinks he deserves it from Joonyoung or not.  He just wishes that he never did anything that Joonyoung would have to forgive in the first place.

 

Just like Daehwan and Chanyul.  Hadon doesn’t understand how they do it, but he does know that if you don’t hurt each other, you have nothing to forgive.  Then he’d never have to see Joonyoung cry because of him, just like Daehwan and Chanyul never have to share that terrible experience.

 

At least, until the day they do.  Until the day Hadon understands why they don’t fight like him and Joonyoung or like Eddy and Prince or like any couple Hadon’s ever known at all.

 

On that day, he’s in the hallway, right outside their lone bathroom, trying to wrestle a pair of sweatpants away from one of San’s many large children.  The stupid dog is growling and wagging its tail happily and slobbering all over the clothing they’re having a tug of war over, but Hadon can’t even be upset because the puppy (in age alone, in size it’s nearly as large as its parents now) is practically his grandkid and who needs slobber-free sweatpants when you’ve got furry grandchildren?

 

He knows Daehwan’s in the bathroom, hears him turn off the shower, distractedly listens to the sounds of him rummaging around in one of the jam-packed bathroom drawers as he tries to presumably find deodorant and a comb.

 

“Need some help?”  A gentle voice offers from behind Hadon, so he turns and is faced with Chanyul, who’s smiling softly as he gestures at the dog.

 

“Nah, I’m good.”  Hadon grins.  He knows Chanyul is just offering to be polite, so he pulls on the wet sweatpants for emphasis, and Chanyul nods, satisfied, wordlessly heading towards the bathroom and gently opening the door.

 

Hadon vaguely registers that Chanyul pauses in the doorway for a second.  But who knows?  Maybe Daehwan’s still naked and Chanyul’s taking a moment to admire his boyfriend’s body or something of that sort.  No matter what it is, it’s really nothing worth noticing.

 

And then Hadon’s back to grappling over his thoroughly salivated sweatpants.  He can hear the distant sounds of Eddy stirring and chopping what’s likely to be their supper from the kitchen, the muted plunking of guitar strings coming from Prince’s room, the muffled tones of Joonyoung snapping at Youngjin to keep still so he can alter the outfit he’s undoubtedly forced Youngjin to act as a mannequin for from an entire floor away, but beyond those sounds, it's quiet in the hallway, for once.  

 

If it was Eddy or Henry in the bathroom there’d be singing and terrible attempts at rapping and some distinctive (and awful) laughter and that slapping noise that’s only produced by skin hitting against skin (in either the fun way or the violent way, or worse, both simultaneously).  If it was Joonyoung, there’d be constant chatter (whether anyone was in the room with him or not) and the whir of the blowdryer and the occasional yelp of pain because he’s burned himself with his straightener while trying to shave and fill in his waterline and apply foundation and style his hair all at the same time.  If it was Youngjin, well, he’d probably be doing his best impression of a dinosaur while brushing his teeth, and it would be very, _very_ loud.

 

But it’s Daehwan and Chanyul, so Hadon can’t hear anything from the bathroom.  Daehwan can be loud around the others, and Chanyul can be driven to raise his voice a little with some persuasion from Youngjin, but together they’re always so quiet.  Everything’s whispers and murmurs, soft smiles and gentle laughter, secretive and devoted.  Hadon likes it, likes that about them too.  They’re a nice change of pace from the usual loud idiots, anyways.

 

But it can never be quiet anywhere in their tiny house for long, so given this rare opportunity Hadon takes it upon himself to make all the noise.  He’s smiling and laughing and teasing the puppy and the dog is happily thumping its huge fluffy tail on the floor while they rassle for the pants.  Hadon gives one big hearty tug, and finally he’s got his sweatpants back, and his puppy yips with glee, its barks reverberating off the walls of the hallway as it beseeches Hadon to return the grimy pants so they can play some more, and maybe it’s because there’s suddenly so much noise in the hallway that he doesn’t hear it at first.

 

He’s not even sure what _it_ is, to begin with.  

 

It’s something grating and sharp and crackling and strange, something Hadon’s never exactly heard in this house before, and it takes him a while to figure out that it’s a voice.  

 

“...you said… you said you wouldn’t…”

 

Hadon’s puppy whines, pawing at his leg insistently, and Hadon shushes her as he tries to figure out exactly whose voice it is that he’s hearing.

 

“...you said you wouldn’t do this anymore!  You can’t, you can’t…”

 

It’s too high-pitched to belong to Youngjin or Daehwan, Hadon’s lived with Eddy for eight long years so he’s pretty sure that he’s heard all of Eddy’s possible vocal variations and this isn’t one of them, it’s too Korean to be Prince, and Hadon’s got every sound that Joonyoung can make permanently ingrained in his mind so he knows it can’t be coming from him.  Which means it must be…

 

“...you _can’t_ do this anymore!  How can you… how can you?!”

 

...Chanyul?  Really?  Hadon can’t really believe it, it’s so strange to hear him as anything but soft-spoken and shy, but the noise is coming from the bathroom and it just can’t be Daehwan…

 

“How can you be so… s-so… s-s-so… so _fucking_ **_selfish_**?!”

 

Those last words are rasping and furious and painfully loud.  Loud enough that all sounds of cooking halt in the kitchen and Joonyoung’s nagging at Youngjin stops and the only other sound beyond the yelling is the sudden jarring dissonance caused by Prince fumbling a chord.

 

The stuttering’s solidified it in Hadon’s mind, it’s got to be Chanyul.  But Chanyul yelling?  Chanyul yelling at Daehwan?  In all the months they’ve been here, Hadon can’t even think of one instance of Chanyul ever being more than mildly annoyed at Daehwan, so this has got to be bad.

 

Hadon isn’t sure what to do.  They’re both older than him, he can’t exactly just bust into the bathroom and tell them to stop.

 

Well, tell Chanyul to stop.

 

“That’s what this is!  It’s selfish!  I-I-It’s selfish, and you s-s-said you wouldn’t do it without me t-there anymore!  You said!  You did!”

 

It seems like Daehwan’s just taking it, letting Chanyul rip into him without a single word of defense.  Hadon doesn’t understand, can’t even begin to imagine what Daehwan’s done to make Chanyul so distressed, so purely angry.  He’s got that terrible sinking feeling that he gets sometimes when he sees Joonyoung curled up in bed looking at old pictures of himself or catches Eddy up on the roof flipping a little ring box around in his hands, like something really awful is about to happen, like someone’s on the verge of a complete and utter meltdown.  Even though Hadon knows he probably can’t do anything to stop it, he feels almost compelled to step in just because the situation’s so strange and he’s the only other member nearby.  

 

“You did… and I h-h-hate… I h-hate… I hate…”

 

But it sounds like he’s thankfully not going to be the one to have to interrupt, because there are footsteps coming up the stairs (heavy footed, Eddy) and the sound of Prince turning his doorknob and Youngjin’s racing down the other end of the hallway and he’s got Joonyoung in tow.

 

Youngjin looks frantic, he hates any sort of real discord between the members and he’s kind of taken Daehwan and Chanyul under his incredibly large wings since they joined, and he’s got a huge hand on the bathroom’s door handle and is about to turn it open when it happens.

 

“I h-hate… I _hate **you**_!”

 

Youngjin freezes, his big mouth falling slack, Joonyoung sucks in a horrified gasp, Eddy’s pretty eyebrows fly up his forehead, and even Prince Mak with his extremely limited Korean pokes his head out of his bedroom from down the hall.  

 

The sweatpants fall from Hadon’s hands, and it’s dead silent beyond the sound of the puppy’s nails clacking on the cheap flooring as it runs off with its slobbery prize.

 

Then Hadon hears the single most agonizing sob he’s ever heard (and he’s thought every time he’s heard Joonyoung cry that it’s been the most awful sound he’s ever heard, but somehow this is even worse), low and completely crushed, and then the door to the bathroom flings open and Chanyul’s stumbling out into the hallway.  

 

Chanyul looks a strange mix between furious and horrified to see everyone standing outside the bathroom.  But there’s no way he could possibly manage to look as horrified as everyone else looks.

 

Because they first get to see Chanyul, face flushed and splotchy, eyes wet, his fingertips and the knees of his jeans damp and red.  But as if all that wasn’t awful enough, they can see past him and into the bathroom itself.

 

And their bathroom looks like a vignette from a horror film.

 

Daehwan’s sitting in a puddle of blood on the floor of the bathroom.  He’s in a baggy shirt and his boxers, knees pulled up to his chest, hands covering his face (although you can still see the tears collecting on his chin).  There are bandages and gauze meticulously wrapped in long sections on seemingly random portions of his arms and his legs, around both palms, the bottoms of both feet, and heavily concentrated around his upper thighs.  Even though the bandages look like they were painstakingly applied, red is seeping through the cloth in long jagged lines, and there are bloody handprints smeared against the floor and the counter around the sink while one of Joonyoung’s many loose razorblades lays discarded on the tile floor near Daehwan’s hips.

 

“What… the… _fuck_ … happened… here?”  Each of Mak’s words are heavy with incredulity as he stares in shock past Chanyul at the gory mess in the bathroom.  

 

Hadon’s well acquainted with those particular English words, but Eddy gulps a few times, trying to find his voice, before he reiterates in shaky Korean for Chanyul’s sake.  “Chanyul, what the fuck happened here?”

 

Chanyul blinks for a second, his hands fly up to cover his face, and he decides to make a break for it.

 

He avoids Youngjin easily, who for once in his jittery life is too destroyed to even move, and somehow manages to duck under Joonyoung’s skeletal arms, but he’s flustered and when he swerves around Prince Mak he ends up running straight into Eddy, who by virtue of stout stature holds his ground and grabs Chanyul’s biceps tight.    

 

“Let go of me!”  Chanyul snarls, and Eddy does, mostly out of shock because Chanyul’s expression of mortification and anger has morphed into something that looks downright vicious, but he uses his powerful body to barricade the hallway, stretching his arms and legs out against the walls and blocking Chanyul’s path of escape.

 

“Chanyul, you’ve got to tell us what happened-”

 

Chanyul shakes his head vigorously, eyes wildly scanning for a way to squeeze past Eddy.  “No, I don’t…”

 

“Yes, you do.”  Eddy regains his personal sense of authority and lunges at Chanyul, catching a thin wrist in a thick hand.  

 

“No, I don’t…”  Chanyul was desperately trying to wrench his arm out of Eddy’s grip, but at Eddy’s words he pivots around and looks down at the older member with pure acerbity.  “...because it’s none of your _fucking_ business!”

 

Nobody’s ever heard Chanyul speak quite like that to any of his elders either, so it makes sense that Eddy’s so startled that he lets him go a second time, sweaty hands falling limp at his sides as Chanyul storms off to relative freedom.

 

Hadon stands there, unmoving, and so does everyone else until the front door of their tiny house is slammed shut.  The noise makes everyone jump, then suddenly everyone’s spurred into action of some kind.  

 

Joonyoung, for all his dramatics and flamboyance, is actually the most practical in an emergency, and as soon as Chanyul’s gone he swoops into the bathroom.  Although he’s tactfully quiet for once as he uses his long legs to tiptoe carefully around the blood pooled on the floor and crouches at Daehwan’s side, placing thin fingers on his shoulders and murmuring questions at Daehwan that are simple enough that all he has to do is shake or nod his head to answer.

 

Youngjin trails vacantly after Joonyoung, tears collecting in his crushed eyes as he kneels on the opposite side of Daehwan, speechless for the the second time Hadon can remember (the first was through an unfortunate series of events that lead to him getting cum on one of their dogs).  A tear spills out and trickles down his cheek when he uses a big palm to squeeze at Daehwan’s bare knee and Daehwan shrugs away from him, drawing his legs even closer to his chest.

 

Mak and Eddy are actually surprisingly quiet too, mumbling something between them before padding slowly down the hall.

 

Hadon feels like he should be doing something too, but he just can’t.  He feels numb (beyond his stomach, he’s trying so hard to not look at the blood on the floor but he keeps looking anyways and it’s making his stomach churn) and his arms and legs don’t seem to want to listen to his brain at all, all he’s capable of doing is standing there and staring at the scene in front of him.  

 

And he doesn’t understand the scene in the slightest.  He doesn’t understand the blood, the cuts, the razorblade, he doesn’t understand why Chanyul was yelling, he doesn’t understand why Chanyul was so angry, and he definitely doesn’t understand Chanyul telling Daehwan that he hates him.  All he knows is that it’s awful and he doesn’t understand what it is or why it’s happened and he wishes that it hadn’t happened and that he hadn’t seen it.

 

But he has seen it and now he can’t look away, so he just stands there in complete bewilderment, watching his leader’s heart break and Joonyoung being the kind of soft and gentle he only ever is with their newborn kittens and Daehwan’s shaking his head, trying so hard to curl in on himself and disappear but nobody will leave him alone.  

 

Hadon would probably keep standing there until someone ordered him to do something, but Joonyoung pulls gingerly at one of the bandages on his thighs where the blood’s seeping through, and the bandage slips down his leg and Hadon can see the cut.  It’s deep and long and blood starts trailing over the curve of Daehwan’s thigh the second the wound is exposed and Hadon’s met with the sudden urge to throw up.

 

He doesn’t, because he knows that would only make Daehwan feel even worse, but as he swallows the bile that’s rising in his throat he knows he needs to get out of here.

 

It’s not that he’s fainthearted or anything.  He’s been present for the birth of dozens of kittens and puppies, the sight of blood doesn’t make him nauseous.

 

But the idea of Chanyul hating Daehwan does.  

 

Especially the idea of Chanyul hating Daehwan for something Hadon doesn’t even understand.

 

Normally he’d ask Joonyoung to explain it to him, look to Joonyoung for his usual brand of knowledgeable reassurance, but Joonyoung’s busy peeling that bandage away from Daehwan’s broken flesh with a sticky tearing noise that just makes Hadon want to hurl even more.

 

He turns and stumbles down the hallway, in search of his second usual source of comfort.  On his way there, he passes Mak and Eddy, who are respectively carrying a bucket and a mop, and when it hits Hadon that it’s for the blood, he knows he needs to get out of the house and get some air before he’s seriously sick.

 

He finds San in the living room, both taking a nap on top of and drooling on a pair of Chanyul’s shoes (Hadon figures that probably shouldn’t be brought up with him until a different day), and with a bit of effort he manages to rouse his dog and snaps his fingers softly at him until he follows Hadon out the back door of their house.

 

They always take their dogs out to the alleyway behind their house, but beyond that it doesn’t see much use from the rest of the members.  It’s really dark (but more in a creepy way than a calming way) and always kind of damp and dirty, as alleys usually are, but Hadon always likes it.  He knows he’ll always be alone back here, the other guys preferring the roof when they need a break from everything else.

 

It’s nice, at first.  He lets San clamber slowly down the back steps and sniff about in the back alley, and as he shuts the door behind him he closes his eyes and sucks in a deep breath, trying to calm his stomach.

 

The first breath is nice.  The night air is cool, good, settling.

 

The second breath is not so nice, mostly because he inhales a big lungful of smoke.  

 

He blinks his eyes open as he splutters and coughs, turning his head to find the source, and is met with Chanyul, leaning back against the wall of their house, holding a cigarette in a shaking hand and looking decidedly unamused at Hadon’s presence.

 

“What, are you going to _tell_ on me?”  Chanyul curls his upper lip as Hadon stares wordlessly at the cigarette in his hand.

 

Hadon’s more concerned with how Chanyul doesn’t look surprised at all to see him and that he doesn’t make any attempt to cover up what he’s doing (even if one of the members walks in on him sharing a completely innocent and fully clothed kiss with Daehwan, he jumps and jerks away as if they’d caught him mid-blowjob or something) more than the fact that he caught him smoking.  Honestly, Chanyul’s voice is a bit on the strange side and Hadon’s actually had his fair share of illegitimate cigarettes (his first one was shared on the roof with Eddy when he was fifteen because they’d thought they were cool, the rest were outside clubs with Joonyoung), so it’s really not a big shock.

 

At least until Chanyul puts his hand to his mouth, takes a huge drag, and flicks the finished smoke to the ground.  When he crushes the butt beneath his heel, Hadon notices that it joins a huge pile of other discarded and recently smoked cigarettes.  

 

“Uh, no…”  

 

Chanyul’s hostility starts to fade as Hadon shakes his head, the tension slowly dissipating from his body when Hadon just stands there quietly, rocking back a little on his feet and not accusing him of anything or threatening him in the least.

 

“Do you, uh, want one, then?”  Chanyul reaches behind himself, grabs the pack from his back pocket, offers it to Hadon.  

 

As far as Hadon can tell from the amount of butts on the ground, this was a brand new pack, and now there are only two left.  So he takes one, more to spare Chanyul’s lungs than for any other reason.

 

Chanyul lets out a gentle sigh of relief when Hadon takes the proffered smoke, shoulders slumping forward and face softening as he fumbles in his jacket pocket for a lighter.  

 

Hadon lets him light it for him, although Chanyul’s hands are shaking so badly Hadon’s not sure how he doesn't burn either of them.  Hadon watches in silence as Chanyul takes the last cigarette and lights it, nearly dropping the lighter as he does so, then puts it between his thin lips and takes a few massive draws, burning it to the end and smushing it on the ground, just like the first one.

 

Hadon thinks Chanyul’s finished now that his pack is done, so he can’t help but quirk an eyebrow up when Chanyul takes a brand new pack out from inside his jacket and pulls out yet another cigarette, lighting it up and burning it to end in the space of time it takes Hadon to get halfway through his.

 

When he watches Chanyul go for a fourth, he can’t help but ask.  “Doesn’t that hurt?”

 

Chanyul purses his lips and exhales slowly, smoke curling around his sharp profile, still visible even in the dim light of the alley.  “Yeah, I guess.”

 

Hadon’s willing to leave it there, smoking in silence beside Chanyul and watching San paw at the ground because he feels like it’s the best he can really do in this situation, but for whatever reason Chanyul decides to offer up a little bit more.

 

“I know I shouldn’t, but…”  Chanyul sighs, rolling a cigarette between his fingers, tilting his head back and looking up at the dark sky.  “I needed… I needed something, or else I w-would have…  I would have…”

 

Yul trails off, swallowing painfully hard before putting his smoke between his lips again.  Hadon’s usually one to just sit and listen when someone needs it, whether he wants to or not (he’s always wanted to for Joonyoung, he hasn’t always wanted to for Prince or Eddy but he does anyways), but it’s Chanyul.  Hadon’s always appreciated how quiet he is, but right now he feels like Chanyul probably needs to talk.

 

“Hey, Chanyul…?”  He keeps his voice quiet, still focusing his gaze on his dog instead of the other member.  “Are you, uh, doing okay?”

 

Chanyul turns his head slightly and Hadon crooks his neck to be able to see him.  He looks even worse than before, wracked by little tremors, eyes painfully red, smoke coiling from his lips and nostrils, and he gives Hadon a look of pure dumbfoundedness.  Hadon smiles sheepishly, knowing full well how stupid the question was, but he’s pleased when Chanyul cracks a lopsided half-grin in return.

 

“Yeah, I… yeah… no…”  Chanyul shakes his head, giving a small chuckle of disbelief, taking a slow and shaky puff of another cigarette (Hadon’s not sure if it’s the fifth or sixth now).  “No… I know he d-didn’t mean to… I knew right away that he didn’t mean to… Daehwan n-never c-cuts himself, it’s too obvious…”

 

“ _He_ didn’t mean to?  You mean he did those… he did all that to himself?”  Hadon feels his stomach plummet dangerously, but he manages to keep his voice even, not letting Chanyul know how sick he feels.

 

Chanyul gives the faintest of nods.  “Y-yeah… and I did what I always do when he does that… I asked him how bad it was, if he needed to go to the h-hospital, but he said it was okay and I believed him… and then I helped c-clean him up, just like I always do… and I wasn’t mad at him!  Really, I wasn’t!  But… but… but then he said it was an accident, and I don’t know, I just got _so_ angry…”

 

“An _accident_?”  Hadon nearly drops his cigarette.

 

“Yeah.”  Chanyul shakes his head sadly, running his trembling free hand through his hair.  “He said… he said that he grabbed the razor without looking, that it was in the drawer beside the sink and he was reaching for a comb or something, I don’t know… but he grabbed it and, and, and it c-cut him… and once he started he couldn’t stop…”

 

Hadon can feel the blood draining from his face as Chanyul finishes another cigarette, blowing a long stream of smoke through his lips, watching it whorl up into the night air and dissipate before continuing.

 

“...and I knew he was telling the truth, I knew… but it doesn’t matter that it was an accident!  He told me he wouldn’t do that without me there anymore, he promised!  He did, he promised...”

 

Chanyul shoves his hands into the pockets of his jackets, fingernails digging into the lining as he dips his head, and for a second Hadon thinks that the sharp-featured member might start crying.  “Chanyul…”

 

But Chanyul closes his hands around his pack of smokes and the lighter, looking to the sky and sniffing as he struggles to light up again.  “...he promised me!  But he had to be s-s-selfish, didn’t he?  D-didn’t he?!  He did that even though he promised me he wouldn’t!  What if I wasn’t the one who found him first?  What then?!  Or, or, or… what if… what if… what if he did too much… and I wasn’t there to help… what if he… he… he could…”

 

Chanyul trails off, the possibility too horrible for him to even vocalize, and Hadon accidentally swallows a mouthful of smoke while struggling to keep some stomach acid down.

 

“But why…?”  Hadon tries to ask, wheezing and coughing as subtly as he can manage as he tries to clear his lungs.  “Why does he do that?”

 

Yul’s voice had been rising in pitch and volume, remnants of his earlier anger rekindling themselves, but at Hadon’s question his chin drops to his chest and his voice comes out in nothing but a raw, hoarse whisper.

 

“Because he has to.”  

 

“He has to?”  Hadon reiterates, mostly because Chanyul said it so faintly that he’s not sure what he really heard, but Chanyul nods, head down, bleached hair falling into his eyes.

 

“He has to.  He gets… he gets…”  Chanyul pauses, hands quaking so badly he can hardly hold on to his smoke as he searches for the right words, like he’s recalling something he’s kept locked deep in his memories and never wanted to think about or share again.  “...he gets very… _sick_ … very, _very_ sick if he doesn’t… and most of the time he can control it, he doesn’t go too far… but still, I worry about him…  but if I’m there when he… when he h-hurts himself… then I know he’ll be okay… I know he won’t get c-caught, I’ll be there to stop him from doing too much, I can stop him from being taken away… they won’t take either of us away…”

 

Hadon blinks in confusion, working on the dregs of his cigarette.  “What?  Nobody’s going to take you away…”

 

“They will.”  Chanyul nods shakily, unable to muster enough control over his hand to bring his smoke to his lips.  “If they find out, they’ll… they’ll take Daehwan away… and if they take him away they’ll find out… they’ll find out what I am and… and they’ll take me away too…”

 

Hadon doesn’t know if Yul’s given him any reason to think he’s anything beyond an incredibly skilled chain-smoker tonight.  But then Chanyul starts to gasp, the pace at which his chest rises and falls increasing alarmingly.

 

“And I don’t want to go…”  Chanyul’s breathless, struggling for air.

 

Hadon’s reminded of an episode from the summer, when Chanyul and Daehwan first joined.  Daehwan had been stuck at the studio with Eddy, going over vocal lines again and again, but the rest of them were at home, and it was sticky and hot and brutally humid.  They’d all been watching a drama in the living room, but Chanyul was in the bathroom when they’d heard some panicked wheezing breaths and then a solid _thunk_.  They found him passed out cold on the tile floor, and when he came to he’d swore it was heat exhaustion and they’d all believed, but when Daehwan was told the story later there was a out-of-place look of pure anxiety in his eyes.  

 

As Hadon watches Chanyul struggle now, sees the tear-filled eyes and the trembling hands, and he suddenly he pieces it together and understands what Chanyul is.  Especially what Chanyul without Daehwan is.  He’s just about to run inside and look for a paper bag and hopefully prevent a full-blown attack when Chanyul manages to pull himself together (unfortunately he does this by polishing off another cigarette, and Hadon doesn’t know how that helps him breathe again but it does).

 

“I don’t want you to go…”  Hadon mumbles, bottling his own panic as he watches Chanyul grapple for control of himself.  

 

And he doesn’t want them to leave.  He doesn’t want what he previously thought was the most perfect couple to exist to go, not like this.

 

“We… we aren’t going to… well… we weren’t going to… because he promised… he promised, he promised, he promised he’d only do it with me around…”

 

Chanyul’s voice cracks and he takes a quick swipe at his eyes with the back of a hand, and Hadon can see his cheeks glistening as he clutches hard at his cardboard smoke carton.  

 

“...and I promised… I p-promised him that I’d go to him when I need… when I n-need help… instead of doing stuff like this.  I promised him that I’d stop smoking if he stopped doing that without me…”  Chanyul laughs, the sound so broken as it leaves his tender throat, and Hadon watches a few shiny teardrops fall from his pointed chin and splash on the concrete steps below them.  “...but I guess we’re both liars, aren’t we?”

 

Chanyul’s starting to shake so badly that he can’t really keep his balance, and he lowers himself to sit on the steps, tucking his knees beneath his chin.

 

“And now I’ve… I’ve ruined it all too…  I never meant to… I n-never meant to say t-that… I would never _hate_ him…”  He stutters, hanging his head.  “I just… I hate that this is what it is… I hate s-seeing him like that… I h-hate seeing him hurt… but I d-don’t hate him… I don’t… but I… I said it… and I didn’t mean to, but I said it… this is why I never talk… I’m so s-stupid, I say such fucking stupid things…”

 

This possibly upsets Hadon more than anything else tonight, if only from personal experience.  He gingerly takes a seat beside Yul.  San notices them sitting and wanders over, resting his big head in Chanyul’s lap and staring up at him expectantly, and for once Chanyul doesn’t even seem to be aware that the big smelly furry mess is touching him.  And that’s a bad enough sign that Hadon feels like he needs to dredge up some of his own painful memories.

 

“You know…”  Hadon starts, snuffing out his first (and only) cigarette, ruffling a hand through San’s thick fur for idle comfort.  “...I… I… I once told Joonyoung that I hated him…”

 

Hadon did.  It was the worst thing he ever said.  As soon as he said it, it looked like a small part of Joonyoung died.

 

“I didn’t mean it, but… but it just came out… but he forgave me.  I’m sure Daehwan will forgive you too…”

 

Chanyul tilts his head slowly, looks at Hadon as he hovers a smouldering cigarette close enough to his face to cast red light on the tip of his nose.  

 

“Yeah, Daehwan’s… the b-best… I know he’ll forgive me…”  Chanyul twists his thin lips into something that in some other world might resemble a smile, totally offset by the wet salty tracks down his cheeks.  “But how can I ever forgive myself?”

 

And now Hadon’s speechless.  Because there’s no answer for that.

 

Chanyul turns away to look up at the sky again, eyes unseeing as he looks at a dark cover of clouds and lights up one more cigarette before the door behind the pair of them creaks open.

 

“Chanyul?”  The voice is low and small, scared.

 

Daehwan steps out cautiously onto the cold concrete of the steps, looking the furthest from a round-faced jovial accomplice of Youngjin that Hadon’s ever seen.  He’s covered conspicuously in loose, dark clothing from head to toe, his eyes are downcast and solemn, his hands are carefully folded in front of himself, and he doesn’t even crack the tiniest of smiles when San rushes up to him and rubs his large head against his thighs.  Instead Daehwan just looks oddly small, fragile, surprised at Hadon’s presence.

 

His surprise quickly fades to something else when he spots the lit cigarette in Chanyul’s hand.  His plump lips fall open slightly, Hadon can see his adam’s apple bob as he swallows hard and blinks his moistening eyes.

 

“Oh…”  It’s all Daehwan manages, tearing his eyes away from the cigarette and the huge pile of butts in the dirt at Chanyul’s heels in favour of looking at his own feet instead.

 

Chanyul’s tremors are in full force now, and he looks pointedly away from Daehwan, but he stomps out his cigarette and attempts to wipe ash from his jacket with hands that refuse to cooperate.   

 

Hadon takes this as his cue to leave.  

 

“I… I’m going to head inside now…”  He says it more to himself than to either Daehwan or Chanyul.  They’re too preoccupied.  Yul’s shaking has gotten so bad that it looks almost like he’s having convulsions, and there are tears gathered in the corners of Daehwan’s eyes as he clutches tight at his own waist, obviously wanting to hold Chanyul but not feeling that he’s allowed.

 

So Hadon clucks his tongue quietly at San and the dog lumbers into the house.  As Hadon follows and steps inside, he takes a look back over his shoulder at the pair on the steps.  Daehwan’s starting to lower himself down to sit beside Chanyul, Chanyul’s hiding his face with his hands and nearly rocking back and forth.  Even though they’re sitting next to each other, they aren’t touching, and Hadon knows that the amount of distance between them isn’t going to be bridged easily or anytime soon.

 

He’s sure they’ll get through it eventually.  They need each other, he can see that now.  And he can definitely see why they don’t argue or squabble or bicker.

 

That understanding came at a price, though.  

 

He’ll never be able to see Daehwan and Chanyul as the ideal to strive for anymore.  He feels more sick over their situation than he does when he hurts Joonyoung.

 

And he wants Joonyoung now.  Whenever he feels sick it’s always Joonyoung that holds him tight in bed, rubs his back, waits with him until his nausea passes.  Of course, sometimes that doesn’t work out, and puking in Joonyoung’s bed sheets is never a good way to make him happy.   

 

But Hadon would rather go through a thousand screaming matches a day with Joonyoung over spoiled sheets and dirty laundry and messy rooms and unwashed dishes and forgotten keys than have even one fight like Daehwan and Chanyul just did.  

 

Because spoiled sheets and dirty laundry and messy rooms and unwashed dishes and forgotten keys can be fixed.  Daehwan and Chanyul can’t be.

 

Right before the door fully closes, tears start to glint on Daehwan’s round cheeks as Chanyul murmurs something inaudible into his legs, and Hadon knows that if he learned anything tonight, it’s that he’ll never be jealous of Daehwan and Chanyul again.

 


End file.
